Halloween Terror South Philly Fest

Getting me pumped for Halloween is like giving a fourteen year old a boner: easy as shit. My mom and I used to work as haunters at the Strausburg Railroad Museum when I was little. Then, all through middle school and high school, we’d all load up in someone’s parent’s minivan to get dropped off in the middle of nowhere to smoke stolen cigarettes, and get the piss scared out of us on haunted hayrides. Then that stupid paradigm shift happened in college, where everyone forewent driving fun for drinking fun, and suddenly there were Halloween parties. I once dated a guy just cause he made such a convincing Rod Stewart. It didn’t last long, but that was like the last fucking sweet Halloween.

My first year in Philly I had my own Halloween party. I had made this excellent mummy costume. Unfortunately, I later decided wasn’t conducive to partying, so I went as a sorrostitute instead, which was convenient, because a friend went as a frat boy, and had a beer bong. By midnight, before the party even really started I was wasted. The last thing I remember is spraying fake blood all over some people who hadn’t worn costumes and screaming: “I don’t know how any of you are drunk, because I am already ALL THE DRUNK.” That night I earned the nickname “Passout Polly,” but not before ruining a lot of things in my room with a sweet Linda Blair impersonation.

Last year was better, I think, except that I forgot to turn my clock back, and ended up working a full shift cutting fruit on only two hours of party sleep instead of three. I guess all I’m trying to say is that the years since the devil’s drink has taken over my devil’s night have fucking been more and more lame. So! This year, I thought I might get back to basics, and try to see the dark light that I once found in Halloween once again.

Part 1:
Six Flags: Asshole Adventure- Fright(ning douche) Fest

We spent six hours at the park and rode four rides. One of them was the teacups (which are hilarious and awesome, so don’t be “too cool” to spin, okay?) We could have ridden more rides, except for all the swells that shelled out the extra $40 (on top of the $30 to get in at half price) to get this thing called “FlashPass”.

Okay, so here’s how it works: you get this little beeper thing that you scan at these kiosks at the gate of the ride line,

Then it tells you when to come back so you can go get a blowjob in the bathroom or count your gold coins or whatever while all these other honest idiots are waiting in line, and then just stroll back in and onto the ride. So, if you don’t have the FlashPass, you wait in line for an hour to ride Skull Mountain, and then get to the front only to get FlashPassed, and have to wait some more! I’m not insane about class dilineation, but like The Game says in How We Do: “Bougie ass bitches you can kiss my ass”. And yes, we did boo some ten year olds with FlashPasses off the ride. But! Seriously, Kingda Ka was totally worth the two hour wait. I know it only lasted for 50 seconds, but it goes from 0-130mph in 3.5 seconds, and made the whole day worth it. P.S. Should I have been surprised that Six Flags would pit us park goers against each other for a quick buck, when there’s product placement like this?

Part 2:
Haunted alley! I’ve never lived in a city where the residents love to decorate as much as they do in South Philly. They would decorate for Wednesdays if you gave them garland. I love ooohhing and ahhhing at the lights at Christmas, so I figured I might be able to find my holiday spirit on Tasker st. Some decorations that seemed strange, but pretty popular were these plastic sheets that no one seemed to know how to hang straight.

In fact, everything seemed to be lacking in true respect for the meaning of Halloween

Except for the windows. All of my favorite spooks were featured:

Ghosts

Black Cats

Witches

Skeletons

And even Zombies!

Anyway, here were some of my favorites,

Part 3:

Tame-itentury: Terror without the Balls.

Our groups weren’t spaced out enough, so our group kept getting the tail end of the boo! Gags meant for the group in front of us, AND in the group in front of us, someone kept laying these super gnarly farts, but I shouldn’t complain, because the company was good, and our tickets were free… So I won’t. Besides, the parts that were really good, I don’t want to give away.

Whatever, fuck it, despite my adulthood trying to harsh my Halloween high, I am still super pumped. Take that!, responsibility, pride, accomplishments, rational thought! Fuckers. Until next week, when you can see pictures of me in a body suit, and I’ll write about something that won’t be as exciting as whatever else you’re doing that weekend, like my new iTunes account, or some movie reviews. Probably some movie reviews.

Written and Photos by Courtney Davison