Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Exclusive: Barack Obama Denounced Ex-BFF In MySpace Bulletin Survey Hours Before Indiana Speech

... Also In The News: Barack Reaches Out To Young White Voters... But Are They Too Young? Too White?...


If you opened your eyes at all Tuesday you probably saw the news that Barack Obama finally denounced his now Ex Pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, in a speech in Indiana... But did he really do it hours before in a drunk MySpace Bulletin Survey? (Oh, that and Disney made Miley Cyrus get naked or something.)

The denouncing (grmr?) came after several days on top of the Reverend's speaking tour in which he made controversial statements. Further highlighting the fact that people don't like pastors going around talking about controversial things and associating themselves with important political figures... Unless, they're the Pope and George W. Bush three weeks ago... (BTW, who the fuck is paying for this speaking tour? Seriously... The RNC? Hillary? We know McCain doesn't have any money...)

Anyway, Wright was saying some really sane things like, “AIDS was probably created by our government to control minorities.” And, “Terrorism happened here on 9/11 because we've committed terrorism around the world.” Um... Sounds about right to us. However, someone should've told the Rev that main stream America just isn't ready for that much truth. Hell, they're not even ready to vote that little twat David Archuleta off American Idol.


Well cool... We can put this one to bed, Wright?... Wrong!

Last night, we here at Ugh News received an email from a woman, who wished to remain anonymous, however, who did invite us to subscribe to her YouTube channel. (Mother fuckers is so desperate for YouTube subscribers, WTF is that about?...)


The email was a Snap Shot™ of her computer that she saved with Time Machine™, a new feature on all Apple™ MacBooks™ that helps you re-see files, documents or Internet pages you may have otherwise lost or deleted.


According to the Snap Shot
, it seems Obama posted a MySpace bulletin around 2:36am Tuesday morning, one he later deleted at 9:17am. The contents appear to be a survey where Barack answered several question decidedly negative about his quote, "Shit talkin', Republican pussy lickin', Ex-BFF, [Rev. Wright.]" ... Damn...

Well, we won't share with you the entirety of the bulletin, we can leave that up to the main stream media to fictitiously cover... Opps, I mean ferociously cover... No, I mean fictitiously. (We know they make most of that shit up anyway.)

For now, Obama supports have hope... and that's about it.

Written by Conrad

Did you see a drunk Obama bullentin and save it?
Let us know, email

Saturday, April 26, 2008

RADvice: So Your Gurlfriend, Got A Boyfriend...

... Advice From Conrad...


Katie and Sarah have been the tightest of friends for months now. Totally inseparable, they're number one on each other's MySpace pages. They're seen and photographed at all of the coolest DJ nights. And they've even started a little gossip blog together called, well, DirtySexyDecentGossipBlog.wordpress/philly (Which, incidentally, is a great blog, but never gets any hits because people can never remember the order of the adjectives.)

But what is Sarah to do when Katie's need for affection super-seeds Tim Burton movie marathons and ironic feminist girl on girl grinding at Silk City, and Katie lands herself a man*? Well Sarah, we here at Ugh News have developed a survival guide for just your situation...

*[We should mention that by “man,” we mean a reformed crust punk kid from Baltimore who is now the bulk buyer at Whole Foods.]

1. Don't look desperate/Don't Get HPV

Fact is Sarah, you could've probably be in the middle of your own dadda-didn't-hug-me-enough-growing-up mid-twenty's marriage yourself... if you didn't wear those ironically un-ironic Mickey Mouse sweatshirts all the time and dance like a fat girl at a Discover Zone pizza party. Seriously though, get dressed up sometimes.

Oh and don't freak out and start to get slutty to reassure yourself that you're still sexy. It may seem like a natural step. To get Katie all jealous by sleeping with guys you know she thinks are hot. Then text her the next morning all about your escapades. Well, remember Sarah....

HPV, while it might be the sexy STD, is not so sexy when they are cutting cells out of you to test for cervical cancer. And trust me girl, everyone has it... EVERYONE. And secondly, no matter what Bobby Fliecher told you in 7th grade, your not very good at sex. At all. Period. So, keep it in your pants. (Well, I guess that doesn't really work for girls. You can't not keep your vagina in your pants. I guess, just make sure your zipper doesn't fall down.)

2. Sleep In/Get Skinny(er)

The only thing worse than missing your weekly Sunday morning brunch at Royal is knowing that Katie is ignoring your text message reminders to spoon till the early afternoon. To only later text you, “Oh shit girl, my phone was in the other room.”

Fuck all that. Sleep till 3pm... by then most of the heavy petting should be over, and you all will still have time to do some shopping together... and as an added benefit, you'll have saved those big brunch calories!

3. The Power of (2nd) Best Friends

Ok, this is where things get a little bitchy-ish... Grab you're number two (aka your second best friend) and head for the the biggest dance night in the city. Katie will probably take the night off, “I'm just tired you guys, sorry. Plus I work real early tomorrow. And I just eat this really weird burrito.”

Whatever, Kat-Lie (you know, not the most clever nickname, but it sure is funny when you and your number two are drunk and hating,) we know your staying in to fuck your new bo, enjoy it.

“Brunch tomorrow?,”

“No thanks, I'm on a new diet.”

So when you and your number two are soaking up all the attention at the Barbary, or Silk, or Making Time (really almost anywhere but Sal's,) dance all up close to a waiting photog. Get a few shoots taken... then...

Take that photo and make it your default*. (I told you it was going to get bitchy-ish.) Katie will of course see it and start to question your loyalty to her. It probably won't make her break up with or hang out less with her boyfriend... If she does, you all probably have more on your plate than your willing to explore. However it will remind her that you are fun as shit, and she likes fun.


*[Sad Future Alert: How annoying is it that you know what “default” means. No need to say MySpace, or photo, or main photo, or the only photo that you don't have a double chin in... Yuck, the future looks about as free spirited and carefree as a 3Am phone call to Hillary Clinton.]

4. Make-Up Sex

OK, realistically this phase of their relationship doesn't last that long. A few months at most. Soon enough Katie will be back at your side weathering the terrible 20's with you.

On a further note, you should probably explore this dependence you have on your friends...

Written by Conrad, Photo Thanks to LD, Janette, Sofi and Sarah B

16 At War

... And The Backlash Against The Misogynistic Main Stream Music Industry Begins... Or Whatever...


Jesus... from fatherless homes, to peer pressure, to the shitty state of the air we breath Karina Pasian's has a lot to say... And we're totally tuned in.

Written by Conrad

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Philebutards: Club Trend Spotting

... Because TwoOneFive-utards just isn't as catchy...


(Gay guys this close to their hag = "I've been single since 10th grade... And had this faux hawk since 9th.")

Are Tongues-Out, In?


(Drunk "sexy" licking = People trying to falsely over sexualize their appearance to make up for the fact that they have a hard time looking at themselves sexually...)

Ummmm, still no... Club M/Oing* is gross. And fake club M/Oing* is sad and annoying... Almost as sad and annoying as your best gurlfriend receiving and answering text messages all night when you're just trying to hang out with her. (Seriously girls, put down your technology every once in a while.)

Ok look, we're sorry if your mommies and daddies chose to adopt the Dr. Spock method of parenting. But your acting out really isn't impressing anyone. And besides, you're sending a very clear message to the club world... “No, really... I'm repressed... And sex with me will be awkward.

*[M/Oing is a commonly used abbreviation for making out. While we generally hate abbreviations, this one is really fun to say. Go ahead, say it out loud...]

That Guy Behind Those Other People


Take it from these guys, it's not always easy being around people who know how to use accessories. That's why they have to work triple as hard to get any attention. Squinting faces, or surprised looks traditionally adorn this breed who have the innate ability to find the one clean space in a photogs frame and stick their heads right in it.

While not in, or out in the conventional sense... (honestly, these people deserve as little attention as they give their own wardrobe.) We do predict the trend to continue. Advice: Crying/sad faces... that'd be fresh.

Arms Up While Dancing: Can It Make A Comeback?


(You know how like, you know there must be people that listen to Howard Stern? Because he's so famous and has been on the radio forever. But like, you can't for the life of you image who... (Three guys on the right...) Right!?!)

Ok, this is a trend we've had our eyes on for months now. With origins set in
the 1920's with flapper girls, along through the 60's peace hippies, and more recently seen in the early 90's grunge/rock scene... A century long tradition of raising your arms while dancing looks to make a huge comeback this summer.

But raise aware... Sweat stains and/or fat arms will never be in. Unless your going for the Beth Ditto circa 2006

Freestyle Wins


Avoid Philebutardism by busting your own original moves. Jump... Sit... Stay... to name a few. We suggest the yet untested: Roll-Over... Stop Chewing Your Leash... or Drop It, Drop It NOW.

Last Minute Hot Trend Alert!


(OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!... Can we say how tried we are of girls from West Philly wearing bandannas ALL THE TIME. Girl on the right! It's like they're saying... "I'm girlie enough to want to accessorize, but feminist enough to never wear jewelry.")

So... Low cut top, high waisted pant, gold chain, neck scarf, and medium height best friend not enough to bring attention to your breast?... Try spilling your drink all over them!

That's right... as our clubs and bars begin to swell with the crowds of summer, bumping into people and their beers, thus, spilled drinks, are inevitable. So fuck, we might as well make it a trend. However, spilled drinks on American Apparel hoodies will still be lame as shit. No matter what Philebrity tells you. (You just can't count on the Aging Blog to understand hot new trends.)

Written by Conrad, Photos from Two.One.Five

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Hillary Supporters Are Getting Sooo Desperate

... SERIOUSLY! She's had 15 years of the national spotlight. If she hasn't convinced us yet, this sure ain't gonna help...


(6th and Bainbridge, Bella Vista)

Photo by Conrad

TVs Be Gone Part I

... Remember when moms had to yell at their kids to quit playing outside and come in the house? I don't, but I saw that shit a lot on TV...


(Nice Gap cord jumper faggot... =)

Have you all heard about Wolfram Hahn? In 2006 he photographed a handful of children between the ages of 3 and 12 for an exhibit called, A disenchanted Playroom. The children, seen above, carry sad/despondent expressions. In the words of the artist,

... with facial expressions rather to be associated with adults, unusual for children this age.”

The children were photographed watching TV.

As such they seem lifeless like dolls, or bodies bereft of their spirits.”

I grew up watching TV, and a lot of it. That's pretty common these days. But do we know what it's doing/what it's done?

If these kids faces are any measure, it might be time to toss the tube.

Written by Conrad

Friday, April 18, 2008

Clinton Campaigner Ru(i)ns Philly Debate

... All the while PA voters praise ABC's rich engaging questions and overall fairness and respect for the two Democratic Presidential candidates leading to an in depth evaluation of the differences of agendas concerning the Iraq war, the environment, and the deepening economic disaster... (J/K, motherfuckers is mad! AND WE IS TOO!)


The “debate” held Wednesday at the National Constitution Center looked more like a tabloid driven Obama trial more than anything resembling questions asked to help Pennsylvanians pick a President.

George Stephanopoulos (a FUCKING forming Clinton senior political adviser) and Charles Gibson (ok in our book until this week) “moderated” the event whose lines of questioning were as wide as...

Mr. Obama, why do you hate the American flag?”

Mr. Obama, does your ex-pastor love America as much as you?”

Mr. Obama, could you explain your link to the 1960's Vietnam era militant Weather Underground organization?”

In fact, of the 90 minute “debate” the first 51 were spent on rich questions like that. Completely trash, and completely unimportant. Going to the last commercial break Gibson announced, “well, we're running out of time...” which tipped the audience to begin booing. Where were the issues, where was the substance? We all wanted to know.

Everyone from bloggers to main stream newsies to Soulja Boy (video below) had some shit to talk about ABC News, Stephanopoulos and Gibson...

On a positive note, we've learned a valuable lesson... Here's our chance... Let's use this aggravation to push these kinds of debates out of the hands of companies that just want ratings to make money. And demand truly independent debates.

Written by Conrad

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

OMG, Shoes

... So, it looks like Erin is going main (indie) stream... Ugh News searches for new "ginger" editor... Must haves: cute; good dresser; laughs at my jokes; wakes me up before 2pm on my days off.


Mew Gallery Presents...
The Works of Erin Broadhurst and Lauren DiMemmo
April 26 - June 6, 2008

This series of works is a collaboration with my other half, a 4 1/2 year old black lab. Napali has worked diligently over the past several months to destroy my most prized possessions: vintage heels. This is an ode to my dog, and a memoir of love lost.

-Erin Broadhurst

Come check it out...
Opening Reception 4/26 from 5 to 9pm
Mew Gallery
906 Christian Street (at 9th)
Philadelphia, PA

Written by Conrad, Photos by Erin

Monday, April 14, 2008

Fags Flock To H(illary)ag

... Also In The News: Thunder believed to follow lightning; and, After a string of cavities, South Philadelphia boy fesses to lying about brushing his teeth before bed...


(Chelsea's Thinking: "God my mom is such a Hag... I hope I won't have to do shit like this when they make me run in 2024!)

While the slue of gay support recently thrown at Hillary Clinton doesn't surprise us. It does seem a little like throwing a life preserver at an illegal immigrant capsized in the Golf... Either way, she's going home. (Not that you shouldn't throw a life preserver at someone drowning.)

What does surprise us is the gay media's obsession with painting Obama as somehow anti-gay and altogether ignoring Clinton's record. (As First Lady she consistently wore white after labor day... Unscrupulous twat.)

Come on, wasn't it Bill Clinton who, and I'll quote Melissa Etheridge here, “threw us under the bus with Don't Ask Don't Tell?” And wasn't it Hillary who didn't rebuke Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Peter Pace when he called homosexuality, “immoral,” until later pressed about it at the Logo gay rights debates?

Hillary's record simply does not show a
decisive track over Barak Obama for supporting gay rights. Hell, neither of them even support gay marriage.

However, if you wanna get nit-picky... we can. On the Defense of Marriage Act, that thing that would re-write the constitution making it illegal to recognize gay marriage, ever. Obama supports a full repeal which, would allow over time lower courts in the judicial branch to legalize gay marriage in cities and states. While Clinton only supports a partial repeal that only effects the law on a federal level. (Those whom engage in nit-picking shall be nit-picked.)

And the hubbub last week with Mrs. Clinton doing an interview with Philadelphia Gay News and Mr. Obama not doing it, is completely laughable. It would be like either of the leading Democratic Presidential candidates doing or not doing and interview with Citypaper or Ugh News.

Look, we could nit-pick all day, but the fact is we have two very gay-friendly Democratic Presidential candidates and we should be excited. They might not go all the way with us, but hey, after a drink or two maybe they'll wanna spoon or something.

Plus, picking a candidate on one issue is whack. Pick a second issue, or a third, or fourth... Just don't pick a President that believes in creationism.

Written by Conrad, with some info from the Washington Post

Missing: Advertisers With A Sense Of Morality

... Also Missing: Morals Not Based On What We've Learned From Advertising...


Fake 'missing' signs were put up around the city yesterday, taped to trees and lampposts. Missing signs that are usually put up by sad/helpless individuals holding on to their last hopes of finding missing relatives, or family pets, or even personal belongings. Were all out shined by the dozens of advertisements mocking their sensationalism.

The 'missing' signs were put up by advertisers to sell Zyrtec, a drug used by allergy suffers.

This leaves me wondering... Isn't the Mountain Dew "graffiti" ad at the end of my block enough, or the Sprint coffee sleeve at my coffee shop, or the fact that from my computer chair I can count, hold on... 8 trademarked logos without even moving my head? I guess not.

According to Adbusters, an average North American citizen will be advertised to over 5,000 a day. By now, you are a master at ignoring them. Thus pushing desperate advertisers scrambling to find the next thing that can catch your eyes.

Their pursuits are disgusting.

Alert Ugh To Scummy Advertisers Around The City...
Send photos and stories to

I wonder what all of these advertisements are doing to our brains... Seriously. Are they quietly shaping what we think? How we perceive and value things, ideas and people? Or even, how we act and interact with each other? Talk about, Ugh News...

Written by Conrad

Saturday, April 12, 2008

UR So Gay

... Did we mention how much we hate abbreviations in song lyrics?...


(Philebutarded About Celebrities: Girls with see-through purses can see through your gay bullshit... But also, they look like sluts when they are trying to look like they are having the MOST fun at the club... We can see through that bullshit Ms. Perry.)

In a world where making fun of girls is the norm, and hell, just plain fun... Katy Perry pulls the designer rug out from under the boys. Hope you can handle it fellas...

(Spoiler alert: If you're a guy, and read Ugh News, there is a good chance this song is about you.)

We'd also like to mention that this could have easily been a shitty song that no one cared about, however there's something about the melody and Katy's voice that are just kind of... haunting. Dare we say, Fionna Apple-esc... (We totally dared.)

Written by Conrad, Photos from Katy Perry's Flickr

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Boo Hoo... My Pussy Hurts

I think that both Joeys are fucking retarded...
Kiss already.

Your little slap fight sounds a lot like this little kid making arm pit farts...

Joey Conrad - you're a clueless hypocritical fuck wad.
Too Old For This Joey - you're a pompous cunt face.

I'm the best.
Look at me.
I rule at blogging.


Aging Blog Limps On

... Philadelphia's hottest 'listings' site uses some left over words to form a thought... All the while quickly ceasing whatever edge they ever had...


Dickhurt” doesn't even begin to describe how we felt when we were emailed the story posted about us on Tuesday... Felt more like a dick sucking. Don't worry though, we won't cum in your mouth, we promise.

And in response to Philebutards, Philebrity made a stunning observation. Get ready... blogs want attention, and can get it by making fun of bigger blogs. Thanks, Philebrity!

Thats right, Big Sweeney (founder of most blogs starting with Ph) took a minute from talking about his favorite bands and posting local news stories that he read on (with plenty of new adjectives of course) to actually write... something.

Wow, quite honestly we were surprised by how easy it was to wake the Blog Giant.

But seriously, it's kind of sad that Joey missed the boat on this one. As we see it here at Ugh News, we live in a singular world where everyone wants to be a celebrity and our culture is obsessed with the Self. Seems obvious that not only would people probably not mind being made fun of, but to highlight their photos out of the hundreds posted daily makes them even more famous, no matter what we say about them.

The best we can hope for is that people begin to take themselves less seriously, lighten up a bit and get out of that Self for a second.

That's when the cool part sets in, when people start to realize that it doesn't matter how tight your pants are, or if your hair gets frizzy today, or if you look a little pudgy in that one photo. And you can scroll down to an article about the real shit we need to be talking about... Genocides in Darfur, or Boycotting the Beijing Olympics, or how Comcast is probably committing the first Internet crimes by limiting service to certain web sites.

And the idea that the people we make fun of “can't fight back” is completely misrepresentative of what really happens. In fact, just hours after we posted the article, we were torn apart for how mean and, “pot-calling-kettle” like, we were, all by regular people. The idea that only Big Blog Giants like Sweeney have voices is exactly the outdated and antiquated thinking that looms over Philebrity.

So, what exactly is Papa Joey worried about?

Remember when you we're younger and MTV was really cool? And then there was VH1 too, and you would always kinda flip by VH1 when MTV was running commercials, but there was never anything good on, so you would just flip back to MTV.
Well, Philebrity = VH1, not to say that we're MTV, but... yeah, maybe we're a young MTV.

Look Mr. Sweeney, if you can't see the comeuppance of an interesting, edgy, educated, young blog past your beer belly... maybe you should sit down.

Written by Conrad Benner

Interesting side point: “Cut” isn't exactly the best way to say that I stopped sending you articles. And, where's “Talkin' Shit” now? Kind of got boring after I left, huh.

... U mad Philebrity? Dare you to write about this one.

Torch Heads To San Fransisco

In Related News: Hasbro reports record sales of Super Soakers in Northern California...


After disruptive pro-Tibetan protest in London and Paris over the past two days, the Olympic torch lands in San Fransisco. Um, ew...

And as it travels the world the torch is consistently and aggressively interrupted by activist... Altogether unable to finish it's marathon in Paris... And at one or more points was even extinguished... For many this torch represents genocide, and a chance to send a very clear message to China.


(Um... We're all about the activism, but jumping on a girl in a wheelchair... seems low... even for us.)

Look out for huge protests in San Fransisco today... Keep an eye open for blog reports of aggressive/oppressive police actions that might not make the main stream 6 O'clock news... And be sure to check out important local activist groups around Philly, such as, Shut The Duck Up.

Written by Conrad Benner

Related Story: Boycott Beijing

Bear Panic In Subway

... J/K, unlike our local news, we're not going to use scare tactics to keep you out of the subway... Although, seriously, I'm not going down there...


Subway Bear makes street art cute again! First capturing our hearts when we saw him on Wooster Collective. Subway Bear reminds us that ugly graffiti isn't the only way to make a statement on the streets.

Watch artist Joshua Allen Harris' video to see Subway Bear in all his glorious cuteness...

Written by Conrad Benner, Photos from Wooster Collective

P.s. Congratulations, if you thought, “that's what she said,” at the second sentence of this post, you may have just found you're new favorite podcast.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Philebutards Beware

...As a blog, we here at Ugh News have often hinted or alluded to a cretin type of person, with the overwhelming assumption that we were all on the same page. While never actually pointing any... well, let's say phingers...

Yeah, that shit's over.


(Thumbs up in drunk photograph = "I have been with less then two women, and she/he is one of them.")

With an alarming influx of flaccid nightlife photog blogs, comes an equally yawn-inducing influx of people, whom we here at Ugh News are coming to call,“Philebutards.” (Aka people whom live in Philly, think they are well known, act as such at bars and DJ nights, then loom in front of the nearest photog awaiting their newest default photo.) And we plan to bring them to social justice.

If you are obnoxious enough to be one of these people, beware. You will be made fun of... (Unless, that is of course... you don't alway look like you just biked from South Philly, are a good dancer, or if you dress cute, or if we like your hair/shoes/or nails, or if you're our friend.) Yeah, so watch out bitches.

And because it's pretty obvious who we are alluding to, let's begin with Philebrity, and their photog's sister or girlfriend or something...


(Yet another example of how American Apparel has style fucked our generation. Hoodies at bars = insecure girls looking for an easy out, and girls who look like they've biked from South Philly everywhere.)

While there were some cuties...


(Cute foursome who look over 30; Cute bathroom; Cute everything.)

We were really surprised by the amount of photos of that same girl. (Is she in a band or something?) Whatever, she has good skin, but seriously, either Phiberity's new photog shoots from a very heavy tripod in the conner of bars or they've thrown in the towel choosing to view their only competition as (Which we think they might have done.)


( photos = Us one step closer to becoming Ugh News Portland.)

Either way, let's thank them for helping us create our (already) new favorite word/new Ugh News series: Philebutards

Written by Conrad Benner, Photos from... um, were you reading the article?