Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Philthy Blog


Don't forget... Whenever I'm not posting over here a lot... It's usually because I'm doing a lot of stuff over at Philthy Blog. Come check it out...

Love, Conrad

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Why... When We Know Better


Some days all I want to do is watch T.V. Yesterday was one of those days. I spent the majority of my time tuned to a box, useless. Useless to myself, and against my better knowledge. I tried to read a book somewhere in the middle of the day, but after about six or seven pages I started to yearn for the ease of the glowing box. Even more discussed with myself than before I needed the thoughtlessness, and I turned the box back on. Completely turned off, I wasted another day.

At work yesterday a woman sampled some blueberry gelato. She like it, and after deciding to order, threw into the universe, "Plus it's got all them antioxidants (she pronounced, annie-og-zidents), so it's good for you..."

No, that's wrong. I knew it. I've study herbs and vitamins for years. And how dare she pollute the environment with such a dumb and thoughtless statement. I rolled my eyes about to just let it happen, knowing that the comment meant one of only two things. Either she truly believed that a cold dessert could be beneficial to her health. Or, because she was a little over weight, and alone in an ice cream shop, perhaps the woman felt a little self-conscience and was simply trying to make a quick joke to sooth her unease. Both scenarios made me want to vomit. I consciously threw her a look that could only have read,
you have no idea what your talking about you dumb twat. My urge to correct her and set the universe right again took over, so I said simply, "Well, it's not the same as eating a hand full of blueberries, this is a little too processed to have anything really valuable left, at least in that sense." I thought this a fair statement.

Well, I really must have offend her because she whipped her head around at me, grabbed my eyes with hers, zeroed in, and repeated like a some kind of future-robot-of-information that could only be envisioned in the darkest of negative-Utopian/Orwell/Huxley wet dreams, "Oh no Mr., I know blueberries have annie-og-zidents, OK, so don't try to tell me what I know... I'll take a large." She snapped and locked her neck and lifted lifted her right eyebrow so confidently, as if because she had seen one Dr. Oz episode of Oprah she was some kind of fucking Blueberry Scientist. I instantly gave up. I walked away from her and washed some dishes at the other end of the bar. At least I can fix these I thought. I'll have to correct the universe another day.

Why do we give up on ourselves, and others?

Why do we want things to be so easy?

Why do we watch T.V.?

Why do I buy iced tea, when I should buy water?

Why do I want to look like Gael Garcia Bernard some days, when I should want to look like myself every day?

Why do police officers consistently get new cars, but in schools never get new books?

Why do we spend $37,000 a year to imprison 1 person, and only $7,000 to educate 1 person?(US)

Why are 5,000 pedestrians killed each year by cars, including in 2001, but we don't have a War On Cars?

... Think about it, more Americans were killed this year alone by other Americans driving drunk and using their cell phones, than all the road side bombs and insurgencies combined, five years plus, in Iraq... (And that's only counting Pedestrian vs. Car fatalities)...

Why do we want better schools, but fail to educate ourselves and maintain even lower standards for our neighbors?

Why don't we do better when we know better? Or do we just not know any better?

Words and Video by Conrad Benner, Photo by Eric Gillet

The Art Of Acting with Conrad Benner

... This is what happens when it rains all day...

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Start (Your) Revolution!


... No One's Starting It For You...

Taxation Without Representation

... For Many Young Americans, This Is The Case...

(13 y/o boy is mega pissed off he has to wait a half-decade to cast his first vote.)

OK, 13 does seems a little young... But how do you pick an age, a barrier, that on one side argues someone is reasoned and informed enough to elect an official, and that on the other side, they're not? You could argue that a lot of adults aren't reasoned or informed enough to cast a ballot (mostly everyone that watches the 6 o'clock news, for starters).

Well, I was thinking, back to when I was 16, and working at Old Navy. At 16 it is legal to work in PA. So I did. And I legally(?) had 1/3 of my $6.35 an hour taken out of my paycheck for taxes.

In this case, income tax, a tax imposed upon those who are given no representation, contradics the theme of our constitution and the spirit in which it was written. So, should we rethink lowering the voting age again?

Not to mention that if people, curently in our public school systems, could vote...

These questions are being asked all over the world... Germany now has five states where 16 is the legal voting age. 

For me it's as simple as this... If you are old enough to pay for your government's policies, you should be able to vote for the policy makers... Lower it!

Words and Video by Conrad Benner, Photo by Robin Dude

Friday, July 11, 2008

Start A (Mental) Revolution!


... Start Something!


... Or You'll Do Nothing...

Thursday Is My Monday... And So Begins Another Week

The 4th Of July Had Me Thinking... Independence, Okay, But For Who? 


I work a service job. But that doesn't really matter, jobs are jobs. Wether you work at a cafe, an office, or Urban Outfitters. The systems are the same. You work for a company that views you as an expense, and are delt with accordingly. Like paper. They can write whatever they want on you, and throw you away just as easily. You earn just enough money to make do, maybe a little more, maybe a little less, depending on the job. You spend the vast majority of this money on necessities. Rent. Food. Healthcare. The rest you spend on things, generally made by slaves (of the more literal sense). Usually to impress people you don't know and don't even like. The things make you happy, until they don't anymore, and you buy new things. Most of your time is sold away from you. You are left, by design, small amounts of time to think critically. Anxiety rules this time. You're fat. You need a new job. Your mom has cancer. Your president just made it legal to spy on you without judicial approval (against the most basic ideals of your country's constitution). How much is that new iPhone? You spend your "free" time numbing yourself. Watching T.V. Drinking. Soccer practice. Pills. And there you have it. You make the world (economy) go round.

And don't confuse critical thought with the echoing of a news anchor, or the opinions held by a magazine, or any media for that matter. They are companies, who's priority is profit. In my experience, critical thought only comes from prolonged silence. Digesting what you've been fed, expelling the shit, and absorbing the nutrients. 

In a system where your body is sold by the hour, independence is a critical thought. 

My, Welcome-To-Your-Work-Week, anthem... (Mr. Lif, Live From The Planation)

By the way... I happen to be working at a great job right now. I've never been more happy with the people I work with, or the people I work for. I work Thursday thru Monday. 

Words by Conrad Benner

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

The Age Of American Unreason

... I can't believe I'm doing this either... But it's happening...

Trying to make a video,

2nd try, (I still don't know how to invert the image to have the book show properly.)

Would you believe that only "26% of American adults accept Darwin's theory of evolution?" Or that "1 in 4 public school biology teachers believe that humans and dinosaurs inhabited the earth simultaneously?" This is fucking ridiculous and altogether embarrassing. Why are we in the midst of such an intellectual depression and how did we get here?

I'm only a couple of chapters into Susan Jacoby's "The Age Of American Unreason" and the theories she's putting forth are already pouring in, bright as day. All while hitting all sorts of personal notes with me. Growing up in the 80's and 90's, video culture dominated my experiences and shaped my attention span. (Which would later be diagnosed as at a deficit, A.D.D., like a lot of children.) And, without having to read anything really longer than 15 pages, with the exception of a few Goosebumps books early on, and half of Wuthering Heights in high school. I found it a breeze to get through Philadelphia's public school system. These, just two of the issues Jacoby picks up while examining the rise of anti-intellectualism and unreason in America. With a quick wit, some damning criticisms and a powerful juxtaposition between America today and that of the newly born America our founder's lived, Jacoby kicks you in the ass from the first page of the book, a quote by Thomas Jefferson...

If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be.

Fuck all those days you spent hours gazing at a box, missing life, missing opportunities, and missing knowledge. 

Read This Book! (And buy it from a independent bookstore.)

Words and video by Conrad, some excerpts from "The Age Of American Unreason."

Sunday, July 6, 2008

3 American Heroes Saved From Evil Kidnappers In A Far, Far Away Land...

... In Related News: After 6 Years Of US Imprisonment With No Charges, Not One Single Charge, The Bush Administration "Tries To Figure Out" What To Do With An Estimated 120 Foreign "Terror Suspects" They Do Not Plan To Bring To Trial... Currently Still Being Held At Guantanamo Bay...

(I wonder if one day his people will be able to write about him being a hero, released from some evil place far, far away?)

Give me a fucking break... The good ol' American "Contractors" the press
speak about so endearingly work for Northrop Grumman, a US-funded (by the way that means 13.5 Billion of your tax dollars funded) "defense" company. The third largest US "defense" company, after Lockheed Martin and Boeing. They make B-2 stealth bombers, F-14 fighters, unmanned Global Hawks, assault ships... and on and on and on. They sure as hell aren't dairy farmers.

But then who are these men? What were they doing in Columbia? And to those questions, I have no idea... I've been looking around for about an hour now and not one "credible" news source mentions the 3 Americans intentions for being in the region. Isn't that kind-of important information?

When I come home from work and see that my dog, Choco, has taken a shit on the 3rd floor, the first thing I think, the first thing I yell, is "What the hell where you doing up here Choco!?!" ... Of course he never answers me. Usually his tail will slow it's frantic pace, the one that it gets from the shear excitement of my homecoming. A common, "I'm home!" dog owner/dog ritual, and as it moves down into his crotch, he throws me this look... this look like, "Geez, I... I, never thought you'd look up here, um..." After a second or two of silence I pick up the poop and I call him an "asshole!" (he has adopted this as his tough-love nickname), that's when his tail picks up it's pre-investigation speed, and we go for a walk.

The funny thing about all of this is, the role words play in sculpting thoughts and feelings. Not only do you not get the whole story from the press, but in the part of the story you do get, words, titles, and phrases are so altered, and so buffed, to give as specific a feeling as possible. So that, for instance, instead of "27 soldiers killed this month in Iraq", we get "27 troops killed". The word troop is less individual, less human than soldier. (Not to mention that we don't see any coffins coming into Delaware Air Force Base, like we have in every other war, or a single funeral services for that matter.)


Calling the 3 American men "Contractors", as opposed to "US-Funded Defense Something-Or-Others", makes the men sound like they were laying asphault on old dirt roads, or building new computer labs in underprivladged schools. It sends a distict image of good ol' American boys helpin' out 'em other poorer countries. Well maybe, that's as much as they want you to think, "3 American Heros Saved From Evil Kidnappers In A Far, Far Away Land."

And why is it that every "credible" news source is calling them "Contractors", or just simply "3 Americans", when really they are closer to US military agents? Is it a coincidence? Why do they all use the same rhetoric?

My fellow Americans, I have a feeling someone's been shitting on the 3rd floor... And we need a hell of a lot more than the US press admitting, "Oh, yeah... I, I never thought you'd look up there... Um... Oh, did we mention California is on fire?"

Written by Conrad Benner

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Why I Love You...

You all have made Ugh News so mega ultra successful... you have no idea. And for that I love you. And yes, of course, Ugh News will continue. However, I've been given a really great opportunity by Paul of Philthy.us to contribute to Philthy Blog. I'm still trying to figure out all the details, as in, what to post where... Right now I'm thinking all of the gossipy shit on Philthy Blog, and all of the Newsy shit on Ugh... Not sure though.

I'll let you know for sure what I'm going to do when I figure it out. For right now, go check out some stuff I've already written over at Philthy Blog...

Oh, and yes, Philebutards will be back... So get your shit together bitches.

Love, Conrad

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Who's This Noam Chomsky Guy?

Propaganda is to a democracy what violence is to a dictatorship.”
- Noam Chomsky

Lipstick is to a hipster in West Philly what rice is to the third world.”
- Conrad Benner


With Iron Man pulling in over 102 million dollars after only four days in theaters, we here at Ugh News are completely convinced that the media can shove anything down Americans' throats, and they'll buy it... (And that's not even counting $ from the concession stands... Fucking fat ass America.) Noam Chomsky is probably rolling over in his grave. That's, If he were dead...


You'd kinda think he was though... You know, for being “arguably the most important intellectual of our time” as the New York Times calls him, you never hear about him. Ever. Ever. EVER. (Not even in the New York Times... WTF is that about?)

Anyway, I'm not gonna sit here like some asshole and pretend like I know everything and I knew it first (... like I usually do) and say I've been reading Chomsky for years... and so on and so fourth... Fact is, I've only really been tuning into his ideas recently, and only saw his documentary a few days ago.

That said, you should watch it too, his documentary... and NOW! Unless you're at work or something, in that case watch it... TONIGHT. It's called “Manufacturing Consent”, based on his book of the same title. And it's about how the state and special interests own and use the media to restrict ideas and opinions to suit business and to keep power in the hands of an elite minority, while distracting the majority (me + you).

Plus it was shot in the early 90's so you can get all cool 90's fashion ideas for your next night out...

(It's almost three hours, so click here to watch it bigger.)

Oh Noam, Noam, Noam... God, I swear if you were a brand I would totally buy you. Like, if you owned an organic local grocery store in Port Richmond I would seriously bike there and only shop there even though I have Essene two blocks away from my house. Even if it went against both of our individualist beliefs... We're just naughty like that Noam, right? You like naughty Noam? I bet you like naughty...

Written by Conrad, Photo by Frenchkheldar

P.s. On a personal note (like this whole blog isn't a personal note...) Noam and I went to the same high school... Central... although grant it probably 50 years apart. Go Lancers!

Soo We Met Caitlin Welge Tuesday Night

... That girl from Philebrity that we said took too many photos of her friends inspiring the first Philebutards...

... Well, she's a total sweetheart!! (And aside from that one set... She takes good photos.) We can't believe Philebrity totally threw her under the bus and “strongly reprimanded her...” That's kinda gay of them.

Anyway, Ms. Welge does video and other artsy stuff around town, feel free to Google her. And hey Caitlin, if you ever wanna do a video with Ugh News, let us know!!

Love, Conrad

Monday, May 5, 2008

Ugh News Readers' Polled, Split On Weather They Answer Blog Polls, Pollsters Around The World Tilt Their Heads

... In Related News: 95% Of People Polled At Sorted's 10 Year Anniversary Party Agreed With Me That "It's Fucking Too Hot In Here, Let's Go Outside For A Minute"...


Big poll news today, truly amazing, with all conventional thought leaning towards a definitive 'yes' vote, the polling community once again reminds us that polls maybe aren't the best way to measure anything...

The question, simply, 'Do you answer blog reader polls?' The answer, much more complicated.

This one really threw us for a loop.” - Don Pollson, Poll USA

The controversy stems from the fact that if you answered the poll, you are admitting that you answer blog polls, even if you answer with a 'no'.

No one saw this coming, conventional theory had this tied up 100% yes, truly an off day for polls.” - Donna MacPoll, Poll News Network (PNN)

Poll analyst, Donald Polland, blames the faulty poll results on what he is calling, 'ironic polle├ęs',

These are people whom decide for one reason or another to give a false answer. Some in an effort to be funny, some because they have all but given up hope in the media, and yet some others simply don't read the whole question before answering.”

Today's results have sent shock waves through the country's polling organizations. Leaving us with many questions, such as...

Do you think Americans are polled too much?”

Let us know what you think by answering our exclusive Ugh News/Poll USA poll on the top right hand side of this page.

Written by Conrad, Photo from Skyscrapersunset.com

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Exclusive: Barack Obama Denounced Ex-BFF In MySpace Bulletin Survey Hours Before Indiana Speech

... Also In The News: Barack Reaches Out To Young White Voters... But Are They Too Young? Too White?...


If you opened your eyes at all Tuesday you probably saw the news that Barack Obama finally denounced his now Ex Pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, in a speech in Indiana... But did he really do it hours before in a drunk MySpace Bulletin Survey? (Oh, that and Disney made Miley Cyrus get naked or something.)

The denouncing (grmr?) came after several days on top of the Reverend's speaking tour in which he made controversial statements. Further highlighting the fact that people don't like pastors going around talking about controversial things and associating themselves with important political figures... Unless, they're the Pope and George W. Bush three weeks ago... (BTW, who the fuck is paying for this speaking tour? Seriously... The RNC? Hillary? We know McCain doesn't have any money...)

Anyway, Wright was saying some really sane things like, “AIDS was probably created by our government to control minorities.” And, “Terrorism happened here on 9/11 because we've committed terrorism around the world.” Um... Sounds about right to us. However, someone should've told the Rev that main stream America just isn't ready for that much truth. Hell, they're not even ready to vote that little twat David Archuleta off American Idol.


Well cool... We can put this one to bed, Wright?... Wrong!

Last night, we here at Ugh News received an email from a woman, who wished to remain anonymous, however, who did invite us to subscribe to her YouTube channel. (Mother fuckers is so desperate for YouTube subscribers, WTF is that about?...)


The email was a Snap Shot™ of her computer that she saved with Time Machine™, a new feature on all Apple™ MacBooks™ that helps you re-see files, documents or Internet pages you may have otherwise lost or deleted.


According to the Snap Shot
, it seems Obama posted a MySpace bulletin around 2:36am Tuesday morning, one he later deleted at 9:17am. The contents appear to be a survey where Barack answered several question decidedly negative about his quote, "Shit talkin', Republican pussy lickin', Ex-BFF, [Rev. Wright.]" ... Damn...

Well, we won't share with you the entirety of the bulletin, we can leave that up to the main stream media to fictitiously cover... Opps, I mean ferociously cover... No, I mean fictitiously. (We know they make most of that shit up anyway.)

For now, Obama supports have hope... and that's about it.

Written by Conrad

Did you see a drunk Obama bullentin and save it?
Let us know, email UghNews@gmail.com

Saturday, April 26, 2008

RADvice: So Your Gurlfriend, Got A Boyfriend...

... Advice From Conrad...


Katie and Sarah have been the tightest of friends for months now. Totally inseparable, they're number one on each other's MySpace pages. They're seen and photographed at all of the coolest DJ nights. And they've even started a little gossip blog together called, well, DirtySexyDecentGossipBlog.wordpress/philly (Which, incidentally, is a great blog, but never gets any hits because people can never remember the order of the adjectives.)

But what is Sarah to do when Katie's need for affection super-seeds Tim Burton movie marathons and ironic feminist girl on girl grinding at Silk City, and Katie lands herself a man*? Well Sarah, we here at Ugh News have developed a survival guide for just your situation...

*[We should mention that by “man,” we mean a reformed crust punk kid from Baltimore who is now the bulk buyer at Whole Foods.]

1. Don't look desperate/Don't Get HPV

Fact is Sarah, you could've probably be in the middle of your own dadda-didn't-hug-me-enough-growing-up mid-twenty's marriage yourself... if you didn't wear those ironically un-ironic Mickey Mouse sweatshirts all the time and dance like a fat girl at a Discover Zone pizza party. Seriously though, get dressed up sometimes.

Oh and don't freak out and start to get slutty to reassure yourself that you're still sexy. It may seem like a natural step. To get Katie all jealous by sleeping with guys you know she thinks are hot. Then text her the next morning all about your escapades. Well, remember Sarah....

HPV, while it might be the sexy STD, is not so sexy when they are cutting cells out of you to test for cervical cancer. And trust me girl, everyone has it... EVERYONE. And secondly, no matter what Bobby Fliecher told you in 7th grade, your not very good at sex. At all. Period. So, keep it in your pants. (Well, I guess that doesn't really work for girls. You can't not keep your vagina in your pants. I guess, just make sure your zipper doesn't fall down.)

2. Sleep In/Get Skinny(er)

The only thing worse than missing your weekly Sunday morning brunch at Royal is knowing that Katie is ignoring your text message reminders to spoon till the early afternoon. To only later text you, “Oh shit girl, my phone was in the other room.”

Fuck all that. Sleep till 3pm... by then most of the heavy petting should be over, and you all will still have time to do some shopping together... and as an added benefit, you'll have saved those big brunch calories!

3. The Power of (2nd) Best Friends

Ok, this is where things get a little bitchy-ish... Grab you're number two (aka your second best friend) and head for the the biggest dance night in the city. Katie will probably take the night off, “I'm just tired you guys, sorry. Plus I work real early tomorrow. And I just eat this really weird burrito.”

Whatever, Kat-Lie (you know, not the most clever nickname, but it sure is funny when you and your number two are drunk and hating,) we know your staying in to fuck your new bo, enjoy it.

“Brunch tomorrow?,”

“No thanks, I'm on a new diet.”

So when you and your number two are soaking up all the attention at the Barbary, or Silk, or Making Time (really almost anywhere but Sal's,) dance all up close to a waiting photog. Get a few shoots taken... then...

Take that photo and make it your default*. (I told you it was going to get bitchy-ish.) Katie will of course see it and start to question your loyalty to her. It probably won't make her break up with or hang out less with her boyfriend... If she does, you all probably have more on your plate than your willing to explore. However it will remind her that you are fun as shit, and she likes fun.


*[Sad Future Alert: How annoying is it that you know what “default” means. No need to say MySpace, or photo, or main photo, or the only photo that you don't have a double chin in... Yuck, the future looks about as free spirited and carefree as a 3Am phone call to Hillary Clinton.]

4. Make-Up Sex

OK, realistically this phase of their relationship doesn't last that long. A few months at most. Soon enough Katie will be back at your side weathering the terrible 20's with you.

On a further note, you should probably explore this dependence you have on your friends...

Written by Conrad, Photo Thanks to LD, Janette, Sofi and Sarah B

16 At War

... And The Backlash Against The Misogynistic Main Stream Music Industry Begins... Or Whatever...


Jesus... from fatherless homes, to peer pressure, to the shitty state of the air we breath Karina Pasian's has a lot to say... And we're totally tuned in.

Written by Conrad

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Philebutards: Club Trend Spotting

... Because TwoOneFive-utards just isn't as catchy...


(Gay guys this close to their hag = "I've been single since 10th grade... And had this faux hawk since 9th.")

Are Tongues-Out, In?


(Drunk "sexy" licking = People trying to falsely over sexualize their appearance to make up for the fact that they have a hard time looking at themselves sexually...)

Ummmm, still no... Club M/Oing* is gross. And fake club M/Oing* is sad and annoying... Almost as sad and annoying as your best gurlfriend receiving and answering text messages all night when you're just trying to hang out with her. (Seriously girls, put down your technology every once in a while.)

Ok look, we're sorry if your mommies and daddies chose to adopt the Dr. Spock method of parenting. But your acting out really isn't impressing anyone. And besides, you're sending a very clear message to the club world... “No, really... I'm repressed... And sex with me will be awkward.

*[M/Oing is a commonly used abbreviation for making out. While we generally hate abbreviations, this one is really fun to say. Go ahead, say it out loud...]

That Guy Behind Those Other People


Take it from these guys, it's not always easy being around people who know how to use accessories. That's why they have to work triple as hard to get any attention. Squinting faces, or surprised looks traditionally adorn this breed who have the innate ability to find the one clean space in a photogs frame and stick their heads right in it.

While not in, or out in the conventional sense... (honestly, these people deserve as little attention as they give their own wardrobe.) We do predict the trend to continue. Advice: Crying/sad faces... that'd be fresh.

Arms Up While Dancing: Can It Make A Comeback?


(You know how like, you know there must be people that listen to Howard Stern? Because he's so famous and has been on the radio forever. But like, you can't for the life of you image who... (Three guys on the right...) Right!?!)

Ok, this is a trend we've had our eyes on for months now. With origins set in
the 1920's with flapper girls, along through the 60's peace hippies, and more recently seen in the early 90's grunge/rock scene... A century long tradition of raising your arms while dancing looks to make a huge comeback this summer.

But raise aware... Sweat stains and/or fat arms will never be in. Unless your going for the Beth Ditto circa 2006

Freestyle Wins


Avoid Philebutardism by busting your own original moves. Jump... Sit... Stay... to name a few. We suggest the yet untested: Roll-Over... Stop Chewing Your Leash... or Drop It, Drop It NOW.

Last Minute Hot Trend Alert!


(OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!... Can we say how tried we are of girls from West Philly wearing bandannas ALL THE TIME. Girl on the right! It's like they're saying... "I'm girlie enough to want to accessorize, but feminist enough to never wear jewelry.")

So... Low cut top, high waisted pant, gold chain, neck scarf, and medium height best friend not enough to bring attention to your breast?... Try spilling your drink all over them!

That's right... as our clubs and bars begin to swell with the crowds of summer, bumping into people and their beers, thus, spilled drinks, are inevitable. So fuck, we might as well make it a trend. However, spilled drinks on American Apparel hoodies will still be lame as shit. No matter what Philebrity tells you. (You just can't count on the Aging Blog to understand hot new trends.)

Written by Conrad, Photos from Two.One.Five

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Hillary Supporters Are Getting Sooo Desperate

... SERIOUSLY! She's had 15 years of the national spotlight. If she hasn't convinced us yet, this sure ain't gonna help...


(6th and Bainbridge, Bella Vista)

Photo by Conrad

TVs Be Gone Part I

... Remember when moms had to yell at their kids to quit playing outside and come in the house? I don't, but I saw that shit a lot on TV...


(Nice Gap cord jumper faggot... =)

Have you all heard about Wolfram Hahn? In 2006 he photographed a handful of children between the ages of 3 and 12 for an exhibit called, A disenchanted Playroom. The children, seen above, carry sad/despondent expressions. In the words of the artist,

... with facial expressions rather to be associated with adults, unusual for children this age.”

The children were photographed watching TV.

As such they seem lifeless like dolls, or bodies bereft of their spirits.”

I grew up watching TV, and a lot of it. That's pretty common these days. But do we know what it's doing/what it's done?

If these kids faces are any measure, it might be time to toss the tube.

Written by Conrad

Friday, April 18, 2008

Clinton Campaigner Ru(i)ns Philly Debate

... All the while PA voters praise ABC's rich engaging questions and overall fairness and respect for the two Democratic Presidential candidates leading to an in depth evaluation of the differences of agendas concerning the Iraq war, the environment, and the deepening economic disaster... (J/K, motherfuckers is mad! AND WE IS TOO!)


The “debate” held Wednesday at the National Constitution Center looked more like a tabloid driven Obama trial more than anything resembling questions asked to help Pennsylvanians pick a President.

George Stephanopoulos (a FUCKING forming Clinton senior political adviser) and Charles Gibson (ok in our book until this week) “moderated” the event whose lines of questioning were as wide as...

Mr. Obama, why do you hate the American flag?”

Mr. Obama, does your ex-pastor love America as much as you?”

Mr. Obama, could you explain your link to the 1960's Vietnam era militant Weather Underground organization?”

In fact, of the 90 minute “debate” the first 51 were spent on rich questions like that. Completely trash, and completely unimportant. Going to the last commercial break Gibson announced, “well, we're running out of time...” which tipped the audience to begin booing. Where were the issues, where was the substance? We all wanted to know.

Everyone from bloggers to main stream newsies to Soulja Boy (video below) had some shit to talk about ABC News, Stephanopoulos and Gibson...

On a positive note, we've learned a valuable lesson... Here's our chance... Let's use this aggravation to push these kinds of debates out of the hands of companies that just want ratings to make money. And demand truly independent debates.

Written by Conrad

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

OMG, Shoes

... So, it looks like Erin is going main (indie) stream... Ugh News searches for new "ginger" editor... Must haves: cute; good dresser; laughs at my jokes; wakes me up before 2pm on my days off.


Mew Gallery Presents...
The Works of Erin Broadhurst and Lauren DiMemmo
April 26 - June 6, 2008

This series of works is a collaboration with my other half, a 4 1/2 year old black lab. Napali has worked diligently over the past several months to destroy my most prized possessions: vintage heels. This is an ode to my dog, and a memoir of love lost.

-Erin Broadhurst

Come check it out...
Opening Reception 4/26 from 5 to 9pm
Mew Gallery
906 Christian Street (at 9th)
Philadelphia, PA

Written by Conrad, Photos by Erin

Monday, April 14, 2008

Fags Flock To H(illary)ag

... Also In The News: Thunder believed to follow lightning; and, After a string of cavities, South Philadelphia boy fesses to lying about brushing his teeth before bed...


(Chelsea's Thinking: "God my mom is such a Hag... I hope I won't have to do shit like this when they make me run in 2024!)

While the slue of gay support recently thrown at Hillary Clinton doesn't surprise us. It does seem a little like throwing a life preserver at an illegal immigrant capsized in the Golf... Either way, she's going home. (Not that you shouldn't throw a life preserver at someone drowning.)

What does surprise us is the gay media's obsession with painting Obama as somehow anti-gay and altogether ignoring Clinton's record. (As First Lady she consistently wore white after labor day... Unscrupulous twat.)

Come on, wasn't it Bill Clinton who, and I'll quote Melissa Etheridge here, “threw us under the bus with Don't Ask Don't Tell?” And wasn't it Hillary who didn't rebuke Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Peter Pace when he called homosexuality, “immoral,” until later pressed about it at the Logo gay rights debates?

Hillary's record simply does not show a
decisive track over Barak Obama for supporting gay rights. Hell, neither of them even support gay marriage.

However, if you wanna get nit-picky... we can. On the Defense of Marriage Act, that thing that would re-write the constitution making it illegal to recognize gay marriage, ever. Obama supports a full repeal which, would allow over time lower courts in the judicial branch to legalize gay marriage in cities and states. While Clinton only supports a partial repeal that only effects the law on a federal level. (Those whom engage in nit-picking shall be nit-picked.)

And the hubbub last week with Mrs. Clinton doing an interview with Philadelphia Gay News and Mr. Obama not doing it, is completely laughable. It would be like either of the leading Democratic Presidential candidates doing or not doing and interview with Citypaper or Ugh News.

Look, we could nit-pick all day, but the fact is we have two very gay-friendly Democratic Presidential candidates and we should be excited. They might not go all the way with us, but hey, after a drink or two maybe they'll wanna spoon or something.

Plus, picking a candidate on one issue is whack. Pick a second issue, or a third, or fourth... Just don't pick a President that believes in creationism.

Written by Conrad, with some info from the Washington Post

Missing: Advertisers With A Sense Of Morality

... Also Missing: Morals Not Based On What We've Learned From Advertising...


Fake 'missing' signs were put up around the city yesterday, taped to trees and lampposts. Missing signs that are usually put up by sad/helpless individuals holding on to their last hopes of finding missing relatives, or family pets, or even personal belongings. Were all out shined by the dozens of advertisements mocking their sensationalism.

The 'missing' signs were put up by advertisers to sell Zyrtec, a drug used by allergy suffers.

This leaves me wondering... Isn't the Mountain Dew "graffiti" ad at the end of my block enough, or the Sprint coffee sleeve at my coffee shop, or the fact that from my computer chair I can count, hold on... 8 trademarked logos without even moving my head? I guess not.

According to Adbusters, an average North American citizen will be advertised to over 5,000 a day. By now, you are a master at ignoring them. Thus pushing desperate advertisers scrambling to find the next thing that can catch your eyes.

Their pursuits are disgusting.

Alert Ugh To Scummy Advertisers Around The City...
Send photos and stories to UghNews@gmail.com

I wonder what all of these advertisements are doing to our brains... Seriously. Are they quietly shaping what we think? How we perceive and value things, ideas and people? Or even, how we act and interact with each other? Talk about, Ugh News...

Written by Conrad

Saturday, April 12, 2008

UR So Gay

... Did we mention how much we hate abbreviations in song lyrics?...


(Philebutarded About Celebrities: Girls with see-through purses can see through your gay bullshit... But also, they look like sluts when they are trying to look like they are having the MOST fun at the club... We can see through that bullshit Ms. Perry.)

In a world where making fun of girls is the norm, and hell, just plain fun... Katy Perry pulls the designer rug out from under the boys. Hope you can handle it fellas...

(Spoiler alert: If you're a guy, and read Ugh News, there is a good chance this song is about you.)

We'd also like to mention that this could have easily been a shitty song that no one cared about, however there's something about the melody and Katy's voice that are just kind of... haunting. Dare we say, Fionna Apple-esc... (We totally dared.)

Written by Conrad, Photos from Katy Perry's Flickr

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Boo Hoo... My Pussy Hurts

I think that both Joeys are fucking retarded...
Kiss already.

Your little slap fight sounds a lot like this little kid making arm pit farts...

Joey Conrad - you're a clueless hypocritical fuck wad.
Too Old For This Joey - you're a pompous cunt face.

I'm the best.
Look at me.
I rule at blogging.


Aging Blog Limps On

... Philadelphia's hottest 'listings' site uses some left over words to form a thought... All the while quickly ceasing whatever edge they ever had...


Dickhurt” doesn't even begin to describe how we felt when we were emailed the story posted about us on Tuesday... Felt more like a dick sucking. Don't worry though, we won't cum in your mouth, we promise.

And in response to Philebutards, Philebrity made a stunning observation. Get ready... blogs want attention, and can get it by making fun of bigger blogs. Thanks, Philebrity!

Thats right, Big Sweeney (founder of most blogs starting with Ph) took a minute from talking about his favorite bands and posting local news stories that he read on 6abc.com (with plenty of new adjectives of course) to actually write... something.

Wow, quite honestly we were surprised by how easy it was to wake the Blog Giant.

But seriously, it's kind of sad that Joey missed the boat on this one. As we see it here at Ugh News, we live in a singular world where everyone wants to be a celebrity and our culture is obsessed with the Self. Seems obvious that not only would people probably not mind being made fun of, but to highlight their photos out of the hundreds posted daily makes them even more famous, no matter what we say about them.

The best we can hope for is that people begin to take themselves less seriously, lighten up a bit and get out of that Self for a second.

That's when the cool part sets in, when people start to realize that it doesn't matter how tight your pants are, or if your hair gets frizzy today, or if you look a little pudgy in that one photo. And you can scroll down to an article about the real shit we need to be talking about... Genocides in Darfur, or Boycotting the Beijing Olympics, or how Comcast is probably committing the first Internet crimes by limiting service to certain web sites.

And the idea that the people we make fun of “can't fight back” is completely misrepresentative of what really happens. In fact, just hours after we posted the article, we were torn apart for how mean and, “pot-calling-kettle” like, we were, all by regular people. The idea that only Big Blog Giants like Sweeney have voices is exactly the outdated and antiquated thinking that looms over Philebrity.

So, what exactly is Papa Joey worried about?

Remember when you we're younger and MTV was really cool? And then there was VH1 too, and you would always kinda flip by VH1 when MTV was running commercials, but there was never anything good on, so you would just flip back to MTV.
Well, Philebrity = VH1, not to say that we're MTV, but... yeah, maybe we're a young MTV.

Look Mr. Sweeney, if you can't see the comeuppance of an interesting, edgy, educated, young blog past your beer belly... maybe you should sit down.

Written by Conrad Benner

Interesting side point: “Cut” isn't exactly the best way to say that I stopped sending you articles. And, where's “Talkin' Shit” now? Kind of got boring after I left, huh.

... U mad Philebrity? Dare you to write about this one.