Scary Movie Review

I don't know if you have ever been to Canada. I have. I went to visit some idiot that, one night after a party, turned on a porn called "Cherry Pie" in which Archie and Jughead tag team Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and then tried to have sex with me on the couch in his mother's living room. Aside from that part, which I blame on sweet Canadian hash oil, and teenage hormones, the trip wasn't a bad one.

But, I was feeling kind of guilty the other day, because while I was there, walking down a street in Toronto, I opened a pack of smokes and dropped the wrapper on the ground. A local saw this and began berating me, but because I was young and American I lost my shit on him, and probably called him a "hippie fag." I never forgot about that, and now I feel really awful for disrespecting someone and their country.

Well, I did until Monday, when I found out that some Canadian fucks stole my debit card number and spent a thousand dollars of money I didn't really have on what my boyfriend suspects was probably Hockey Jerseys, Molson Ice, and Brian Adams albums. This week has been an absolutely terrifying experience...but not nearly as terrifying as terrors in the terrible horror flicks I watched during my Haaauuunnnted Couch Halloween Movie Week.


1. The Invitation

Yeah, I know it sounds scary (no it doesn't), but like this poster, it is clearly a tool for learning how to care about yourself, your partners in business and life, and your father, whom you never knew until he tried to poison you. It stars Lance Henriksen, best known for his portrayal of Bishop in Aliens. He also played a character named Frank Black in an X-files episode. That might be useful wanking information for any Pixies superfans you know. The Invitation also starred a group of people you have probably seen in amateur porn. Listen, I don't really have anything to say about this movie except that it wasn't funny, and there wasn't any blood, no one died, and it didn't seem to think very highly of our neighbors to the south.

2. Slumber Party Massacre

It's like a merry go round of tits and blood.

3. 976- Evil

This movie is a dark horse, but I don't understand why you aren't watching it right now. It was directed by Robert Englund, better known as Freey Krueger, and stars Stephen Geoffreys, better known as the guy from any one of these gay films...
Hunk Hotel
Virtual Stud
Leather Buddies
Cock Pit
Gay Men In Uniform
Seamen Training Day
and
Guys Who Crave Big Cocks

Bravo,

But seriously, the movie fucking kills any other movie I've ever seen.

4. Return to Horror High

I was a little worried going into it because I hadn't seen the original Horror High, but then I found out that there wasn't really a first Horror High, so....you know the first ten minutes are worth it for George Clooney's eyebrows and tunnel haricut, but after that...it's pretty fucking hilarious.

But, again, I think no one really dies. Except Clooney...


5. Phenomena

Everyone kept talking throughout the whole movie, so I didn't really know what was going on. But, I think that even if everyone had been quiet, I'd still be pretty fucking lost.

Directed by Dario Argento Starring Jennifer Connelly, and the sweetest fucking Chimp that you've ever seen.

Jennifer Connelly talks to bugs! Man, this movie was awesome. If you've seen Suspiria, then you know where I'm coming from. This soundtrack not only has Goblin but also Iron Maiden, and Motorhead. And a Chimp.

Imagine Project X, microcosmos, Requim For a Dream, a guy in a wheelchair, Flowers in the Attic, that one Twilight Zone episode, and teenage bulimia.
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!


6. 30 Days of Night

I read this comic, so I was pretty impressed with what an incredible job they did with the visuals in this movie. Everyone else was blinded by the amount of blood. One part was so needlessly gory that I started to cry a little, but then couldn't stop laughing hysterically for five minutes.

$9.75 at the Riverview, and totally worth it.


7. The Adventures of Pete and Pete; Halloween Special

I wish I had been this fucking cool when I was 12. The episode also has Iggy Pop in it, who calls someone a "Stooge" I'm glad I get that now.


8. X-Files: Excelsis Dei (Season 2, episode 11)



Okay, I know that this isn't a horror movie, but this episode features something I've been joking about for months-
Ghost rape.



You can read all about it in,

9. Theatre of Blood AKA: Much Ado About Murder



This movie has some of the best gore and worst acting I have ever seen. But, it's got Vincent Price, so you know, it's credible.

Side note: I was very opposed to watching this film, and kept giving my friend Dustin a hard time about how gay he was for wanting to watch a Vincent Price movie. When he invited me over, the conversation went like this...

Dustin: Are you coming to watch the movie, or not?
Me: Nah, but I might catch the tail end of Vincent Price, like so many young men.

Anyway, eventually I felt bad about razzing him, because the movie was actually really great. But then I was validated by IMDB that sites HOMOSEXUAL as a keyword in searching for the film.

Suck it, Dustin.

See you next week when I will write about something else.

Written by Courtney Davison