3 American Heroes Saved From Evil Kidnappers In A Far, Far Away Land...

... In Related News: After 6 Years Of US Imprisonment With No Charges, Not One Single Charge, The Bush Administration "Tries To Figure Out" What To Do With An Estimated 120 Foreign "Terror Suspects" They Do Not Plan To Bring To Trial... Currently Still Being Held At Guantanamo Bay...


(I wonder if one day his people will be able to write about him being a hero, released from some evil place far, far away?)

Give me a fucking break... The good ol' American "Contractors" the press speak about so endearingly work for Northrop Grumman, a US-funded (by the way that means 13.5 Billion of your tax dollars funded) "defense" company. The third largest US "defense" company, after Lockheed Martin and Boeing. They make B-2 stealth bombers, F-14 fighters, unmanned Global Hawks, assault ships... and on and on and on. They sure as hell aren't dairy farmers.

But then who are these men? What were they doing in Columbia? And to those questions, I have no idea... I've been looking around for about an hour now and not one "credible" news source mentions the 3 Americans intentions for being in the region. Isn't that kind-of important information?

When I come home from work and see that my dog, Choco, has taken a shit on the 3rd floor, the first thing I think, the first thing I yell, is "What the hell where you doing up here Choco!?!" ... Of course he never answers me. Usually his tail will slow it's frantic pace, the one that it gets from the shear excitement of my homecoming. A common, "I'm home!" dog owner/dog ritual, and as it moves down into his crotch, he throws me this look... this look like, "Geez, I... I, never thought you'd look up here, um..." After a second or two of silence I pick up the poop and I call him an "asshole!" (he has adopted this as his tough-love nickname), that's when his tail picks up it's pre-investigation speed, and we go for a walk.

The funny thing about all of this is, the role words play in sculpting thoughts and feelings. Not only do you not get the whole story from the press, but in the part of the story you do get, words, titles, and phrases are so altered, and so buffed, to give as specific a feeling as possible. So that, for instance, instead of "27 soldiers killed this month in Iraq", we get "27 troops killed". The word troop is less individual, less human than soldier. (Not to mention that we don't see any coffins coming into Delaware Air Force Base, like we have in every other war, or a single funeral services for that matter.)



Calling the 3 American men "Contractors", as opposed to "US-Funded Defense Something-Or-Others", makes the men sound like they were laying asphault on old dirt roads, or building new computer labs in underprivladged schools. It sends a distict image of good ol' American boys helpin' out 'em other poorer countries. Well maybe, that's as much as they want you to think, "3 American Heros Saved From Evil Kidnappers In A Far, Far Away Land."

And why is it that every "credible" news source is calling them "Contractors", or just simply "3 Americans", when really they are closer to US military agents? Is it a coincidence? Why do they all use the same rhetoric?

My fellow Americans, I have a feeling someone's been shitting on the 3rd floor... And we need a hell of a lot more than the US press admitting, "Oh, yeah... I, I never thought you'd look up there... Um... Oh, did we mention California is on fire?"

Written by Conrad Benner

Why I Love You...

You all have made Ugh News so mega ultra successful... you have no idea. And for that I love you. And yes, of course, Ugh News will continue. However, I've been given a really great opportunity by Paul of Philthy.us to contribute to Philthy Blog. I'm still trying to figure out all the details, as in, what to post where... Right now I'm thinking all of the gossipy shit on Philthy Blog, and all of the Newsy shit on Ugh... Not sure though.

I'll let you know for sure what I'm going to do when I figure it out. For right now, go check out some stuff I've already written over at Philthy Blog...

Oh, and yes, Philebutards will be back... So get your shit together bitches.


Love, Conrad

Who's This Noam Chomsky Guy?

“Propaganda is to a democracy what violence is to a dictatorship.”
- Noam Chomsky

“Lipstick is to a hipster in West Philly what rice is to the third world.”
- Conrad Benner

With Iron Man pulling in over 102 million dollars after only four days in theaters, we here at Ugh News are completely convinced that the media can shove anything down Americans' throats, and they'll buy it... (And that's not even counting $ from the concession stands... Fucking fat ass America.) Noam Chomsky is probably rolling over in his grave. That's, If he were dead...

You'd kinda think he was though... You know, for being “arguably the most important intellectual of our time” as the New York Times calls him, you never hear about him. Ever. Ever. EVER. (Not even in the New York Times... WTF is that about?)

Anyway, I'm not gonna sit here like some asshole and pretend like I know everything and I knew it first (... like I usually do) and say I've been reading Chomsky for years... and so on and so fourth... Fact is, I've only really been tuning into his ideas recently, and only saw his documentary a few days ago.

That said, you should watch it too, his documentary... and NOW! Unless you're at work or something, in that case watch it... TONIGHT. It's called “Manufacturing Consent”, based on his book of the same title. And it's about how the state and special interests own and use the media to restrict ideas and opinions to suit business and to keep power in the hands of an elite minority, while distracting the majority (me + you).

Plus it was shot in the early 90's so you can get all cool 90's fashion ideas for your next night out...

(It's almost three hours, so click here to watch it bigger.)

Oh Noam, Noam, Noam... God, I swear if you were a brand I would totally buy you. Like, if you owned an organic local grocery store in Port Richmond I would seriously bike there and only shop there even though I have Essene two blocks away from my house. Even if it went against both of our individualist beliefs... We're just naughty like that Noam, right? You like naughty Noam? I bet you like naughty...

Written by Conrad, Photo by Frenchkheldar

P.s. On a personal note (like this whole blog isn't a personal note...) Noam and I went to the same high school... Central... although grant it probably 50 years apart. Go Lancers!

Soo We Met Caitlin Welge Tuesday Night

... That girl from Philebrity that we said took too many photos of her friends inspiring the first Philebutards...

... Well, she's a total sweetheart!! (And aside from that one set... She takes good photos.) We can't believe Philebrity totally threw her under the bus and “strongly reprimanded her...” That's kinda gay of them.

Anyway, Ms. Welge does video and other artsy stuff around town, feel free to Google her. And hey Caitlin, if you ever wanna do a video with Ugh News, let us know!!

Love, Conrad

Ugh News Readers' Polled, Split On Weather They Answer Blog Polls, Pollsters Around The World Tilt Their Heads

... In Related News: 95% Of People Polled At Sorted's 10 Year Anniversary Party Agreed With Me That "It's Fucking Too Hot In Here, Let's Go Outside For A Minute"...

Big poll news today, truly amazing, with all conventional thought leaning towards a definitive 'yes' vote, the polling community once again reminds us that polls maybe aren't the best way to measure anything...

The question, simply, 'Do you answer blog reader polls?' The answer, much more complicated.

“This one really threw us for a loop.” - Don Pollson, Poll USA

The controversy stems from the fact that if you answered the poll, you are admitting that you answer blog polls, even if you answer with a 'no'.

“No one saw this coming, conventional theory had this tied up 100% yes, truly an off day for polls.” - Donna MacPoll, Poll News Network (PNN)

Poll analyst, Donald Polland, blames the faulty poll results on what he is calling, 'ironic polleés',

“These are people whom decide for one reason or another to give a false answer. Some in an effort to be funny, some because they have all but given up hope in the media, and yet some others simply don't read the whole question before answering.”

Today's results have sent shock waves through the country's polling organizations. Leaving us with many questions, such as...

“Do you think Americans are polled too much?”

Let us know what you think by answering our exclusive Ugh News/Poll USA poll on the top right hand side of this page.

Written by Conrad, Photo from Skyscrapersunset.com

Exclusive: Barack Obama Denounced Ex-BFF In MySpace Bulletin Survey Hours Before Indiana Speech

... Also In The News: Barack Reaches Out To Young White Voters... But Are They Too Young? Too White?...

If you opened your eyes at all Tuesday you probably saw the news that Barack Obama finally denounced his now Ex Pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, in a speech in Indiana... But did he really do it hours before in a drunk MySpace Bulletin Survey? (Oh, that and Disney made Miley Cyrus get naked or something.)

The denouncing (grmr?) came after several days on top of the Reverend's speaking tour in which he made controversial statements. Further highlighting the fact that people don't like pastors going around talking about controversial things and associating themselves with important political figures... Unless, they're the Pope and George W. Bush three weeks ago... (BTW, who the fuck is paying for this speaking tour? Seriously... The RNC? Hillary? We know McCain doesn't have any money...)

Anyway, Wright was saying some really sane things like, “AIDS was probably created by our government to control minorities.” And, “Terrorism happened here on 9/11 because we've committed terrorism around the world.” Um... Sounds about right to us. However, someone should've told the Rev that main stream America just isn't ready for that much truth. Hell, they're not even ready to vote that little twat David Archuleta off American Idol.

Well cool... We can put this one to bed, Wright?... Wrong!

Last night, we here at Ugh News received an email from a woman, who wished to remain anonymous, however, who did invite us to subscribe to her YouTube channel. (Mother fuckers is so desperate for YouTube subscribers, WTF is that about?...)

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The email was a Snap Shot™ of her computer that she saved with Time Machine™, a new feature on all Apple™ MacBooks™ that helps you re-see files, documents or Internet pages you may have otherwise lost or deleted.

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According to the Snap Shot™, it seems Obama posted a MySpace bulletin around 2:36am Tuesday morning, one he later deleted at 9:17am. The contents appear to be a survey where Barack answered several question decidedly negative about his quote, "Shit talkin', Republican pussy lickin', Ex-BFF, [Rev. Wright.]" ... Damn...

Well, we won't share with you the entirety of the bulletin, we can leave that up to the main stream media to fictitiously cover... Opps, I mean ferociously cover... No, I mean fictitiously. (We know they make most of that shit up anyway.)

For now, Obama supports have hope... and that's about it.

Written by Conrad

Did you see a drunk Obama bullentin and save it?
Let us know, email UghNews@gmail.com

RADvice: So Your Gurlfriend, Got A Boyfriend...

... Advice From Conrad...

Katie and Sarah have been the tightest of friends for months now. Totally inseparable, they're number one on each other's MySpace pages. They're seen and photographed at all of the coolest DJ nights. And they've even started a little gossip blog together called, well, DirtySexyDecentGossipBlog.wordpress/philly (Which, incidentally, is a great blog, but never gets any hits because people can never remember the order of the adjectives.)

But what is Sarah to do when Katie's need for affection super-seeds Tim Burton movie marathons and ironic feminist girl on girl grinding at Silk City, and Katie lands herself a man*? Well Sarah, we here at Ugh News have developed a survival guide for just your situation...

*[We should mention that by “man,” we mean a reformed crust punk kid from Baltimore who is now the bulk buyer at Whole Foods.]

1. Don't look desperate/Don't Get HPV

Fact is Sarah, you could've probably be in the middle of your own dadda-didn't-hug-me-enough-growing-up mid-twenty's marriage yourself... if you didn't wear those ironically un-ironic Mickey Mouse sweatshirts all the time and dance like a fat girl at a Discover Zone pizza party. Seriously though, get dressed up sometimes.

Oh and don't freak out and start to get slutty to reassure yourself that you're still sexy. It may seem like a natural step. To get Katie all jealous by sleeping with guys you know she thinks are hot. Then text her the next morning all about your escapades. Well, remember Sarah....

HPV, while it might be the sexy STD, is not so sexy when they are cutting cells out of you to test for cervical cancer. And trust me girl, everyone has it... EVERYONE. And secondly, no matter what Bobby Fliecher told you in 7^th grade, your not very good at sex. At all. Period. So, keep it in your pants. (Well, I guess that doesn't really work for girls. You can't not keep your vagina in your pants. I guess, just make sure your zipper doesn't fall down.)

2. Sleep In/Get Skinny(er)

The only thing worse than missing your weekly Sunday morning brunch at Royal is knowing that Katie is ignoring your text message reminders to spoon till the early afternoon. To only later text you, “Oh shit girl, my phone was in the other room.”

Fuck all that. Sleep till 3pm... by then most of the heavy petting should be over, and you all will still have time to do some shopping together... and as an added benefit, you'll have saved those big brunch calories!

3. The Power of (2nd) Best Friends

Ok, this is where things get a little bitchy-ish... Grab you're number two (aka your second best friend) and head for the the biggest dance night in the city. Katie will probably take the night off, “I'm just tired you guys, sorry. Plus I work real early tomorrow. And I just eat this really weird burrito.”

Whatever, Kat-Lie (you know, not the most clever nickname, but it sure is funny when you and your number two are drunk and hating,) we know your staying in to fuck your new bo, enjoy it.

“Brunch tomorrow?,”

“No thanks, I'm on a new diet.”

So when you and your number two are soaking up all the attention at the Barbary, or Silk, or Making Time (really almost anywhere but Sal's,) dance all up close to a waiting photog. Get a few shoots taken... then...

Take that photo and make it your default*. (I told you it was going to get bitchy-ish.) Katie will of course see it and start to question your loyalty to her. It probably won't make her break up with or hang out less with her boyfriend... If she does, you all probably have more on your plate than your willing to explore. However it will remind her that you are fun as shit, and she likes fun.

*[Sad Future Alert: How annoying is it that you know what “default” means. No need to say MySpace, or photo, or main photo, or the only photo that you don't have a double chin in... Yuck, the future looks about as free spirited and carefree as a 3Am phone call to Hillary Clinton.]

4. Make-Up Sex

OK, realistically this phase of their relationship doesn't last that long. A few months at most. Soon enough Katie will be back at your side weathering the terrible 20's with you.

On a further note, you should probably explore this dependence you have on your friends...

Written by Conrad, Photo Thanks to LD, Janette, Sofi and Sarah B

16 At War

... And The Backlash Against The Misogynistic Main Stream Music Industry Begins... Or Whatever...

Jesus... from fatherless homes, to peer pressure, to the shitty state of the air we breath Karina Pasian's has a lot to say... And we're totally tuned in.

Written by Conrad