Who's This Noam Chomsky Guy?

“Propaganda is to a democracy what violence is to a dictatorship.”
- Noam Chomsky

“Lipstick is to a hipster in West Philly what rice is to the third world.”
- Conrad Benner

With Iron Man pulling in over 102 million dollars after only four days in theaters, we here at Ugh News are completely convinced that the media can shove anything down Americans' throats, and they'll buy it... (And that's not even counting $ from the concession stands... Fucking fat ass America.) Noam Chomsky is probably rolling over in his grave. That's, If he were dead...

You'd kinda think he was though... You know, for being “arguably the most important intellectual of our time” as the New York Times calls him, you never hear about him. Ever. Ever. EVER. (Not even in the New York Times... WTF is that about?)

Anyway, I'm not gonna sit here like some asshole and pretend like I know everything and I knew it first (... like I usually do) and say I've been reading Chomsky for years... and so on and so fourth... Fact is, I've only really been tuning into his ideas recently, and only saw his documentary a few days ago.

That said, you should watch it too, his documentary... and NOW! Unless you're at work or something, in that case watch it... TONIGHT. It's called “Manufacturing Consent”, based on his book of the same title. And it's about how the state and special interests own and use the media to restrict ideas and opinions to suit business and to keep power in the hands of an elite minority, while distracting the majority (me + you).

Plus it was shot in the early 90's so you can get all cool 90's fashion ideas for your next night out...

(It's almost three hours, so click here to watch it bigger.)

Oh Noam, Noam, Noam... God, I swear if you were a brand I would totally buy you. Like, if you owned an organic local grocery store in Port Richmond I would seriously bike there and only shop there even though I have Essene two blocks away from my house. Even if it went against both of our individualist beliefs... We're just naughty like that Noam, right? You like naughty Noam? I bet you like naughty...

Written by Conrad, Photo by Frenchkheldar

P.s. On a personal note (like this whole blog isn't a personal note...) Noam and I went to the same high school... Central... although grant it probably 50 years apart. Go Lancers!

Soo We Met Caitlin Welge Tuesday Night

... That girl from Philebrity that we said took too many photos of her friends inspiring the first Philebutards...

... Well, she's a total sweetheart!! (And aside from that one set... She takes good photos.) We can't believe Philebrity totally threw her under the bus and “strongly reprimanded her...” That's kinda gay of them.

Anyway, Ms. Welge does video and other artsy stuff around town, feel free to Google her. And hey Caitlin, if you ever wanna do a video with Ugh News, let us know!!

Love, Conrad

Ugh News Readers' Polled, Split On Weather They Answer Blog Polls, Pollsters Around The World Tilt Their Heads

... In Related News: 95% Of People Polled At Sorted's 10 Year Anniversary Party Agreed With Me That "It's Fucking Too Hot In Here, Let's Go Outside For A Minute"...

Big poll news today, truly amazing, with all conventional thought leaning towards a definitive 'yes' vote, the polling community once again reminds us that polls maybe aren't the best way to measure anything...

The question, simply, 'Do you answer blog reader polls?' The answer, much more complicated.

“This one really threw us for a loop.” - Don Pollson, Poll USA

The controversy stems from the fact that if you answered the poll, you are admitting that you answer blog polls, even if you answer with a 'no'.

“No one saw this coming, conventional theory had this tied up 100% yes, truly an off day for polls.” - Donna MacPoll, Poll News Network (PNN)

Poll analyst, Donald Polland, blames the faulty poll results on what he is calling, 'ironic polleés',

“These are people whom decide for one reason or another to give a false answer. Some in an effort to be funny, some because they have all but given up hope in the media, and yet some others simply don't read the whole question before answering.”

Today's results have sent shock waves through the country's polling organizations. Leaving us with many questions, such as...

“Do you think Americans are polled too much?”

Let us know what you think by answering our exclusive Ugh News/Poll USA poll on the top right hand side of this page.

Written by Conrad, Photo from Skyscrapersunset.com

Exclusive: Barack Obama Denounced Ex-BFF In MySpace Bulletin Survey Hours Before Indiana Speech

... Also In The News: Barack Reaches Out To Young White Voters... But Are They Too Young? Too White?...

If you opened your eyes at all Tuesday you probably saw the news that Barack Obama finally denounced his now Ex Pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, in a speech in Indiana... But did he really do it hours before in a drunk MySpace Bulletin Survey? (Oh, that and Disney made Miley Cyrus get naked or something.)

The denouncing (grmr?) came after several days on top of the Reverend's speaking tour in which he made controversial statements. Further highlighting the fact that people don't like pastors going around talking about controversial things and associating themselves with important political figures... Unless, they're the Pope and George W. Bush three weeks ago... (BTW, who the fuck is paying for this speaking tour? Seriously... The RNC? Hillary? We know McCain doesn't have any money...)

Anyway, Wright was saying some really sane things like, “AIDS was probably created by our government to control minorities.” And, “Terrorism happened here on 9/11 because we've committed terrorism around the world.” Um... Sounds about right to us. However, someone should've told the Rev that main stream America just isn't ready for that much truth. Hell, they're not even ready to vote that little twat David Archuleta off American Idol.

Well cool... We can put this one to bed, Wright?... Wrong!

Last night, we here at Ugh News received an email from a woman, who wished to remain anonymous, however, who did invite us to subscribe to her YouTube channel. (Mother fuckers is so desperate for YouTube subscribers, WTF is that about?...)

[ADVERTISEMENT]

The email was a Snap Shot™ of her computer that she saved with Time Machine™, a new feature on all Apple™ MacBooks™ that helps you re-see files, documents or Internet pages you may have otherwise lost or deleted.

[ADVERTISEMENT]

According to the Snap Shot™, it seems Obama posted a MySpace bulletin around 2:36am Tuesday morning, one he later deleted at 9:17am. The contents appear to be a survey where Barack answered several question decidedly negative about his quote, "Shit talkin', Republican pussy lickin', Ex-BFF, [Rev. Wright.]" ... Damn...

Well, we won't share with you the entirety of the bulletin, we can leave that up to the main stream media to fictitiously cover... Opps, I mean ferociously cover... No, I mean fictitiously. (We know they make most of that shit up anyway.)

For now, Obama supports have hope... and that's about it.

Written by Conrad

Did you see a drunk Obama bullentin and save it?
Let us know, email UghNews@gmail.com

RADvice: So Your Gurlfriend, Got A Boyfriend...

... Advice From Conrad...

Katie and Sarah have been the tightest of friends for months now. Totally inseparable, they're number one on each other's MySpace pages. They're seen and photographed at all of the coolest DJ nights. And they've even started a little gossip blog together called, well, DirtySexyDecentGossipBlog.wordpress/philly (Which, incidentally, is a great blog, but never gets any hits because people can never remember the order of the adjectives.)

But what is Sarah to do when Katie's need for affection super-seeds Tim Burton movie marathons and ironic feminist girl on girl grinding at Silk City, and Katie lands herself a man*? Well Sarah, we here at Ugh News have developed a survival guide for just your situation...

*[We should mention that by “man,” we mean a reformed crust punk kid from Baltimore who is now the bulk buyer at Whole Foods.]

1. Don't look desperate/Don't Get HPV

Fact is Sarah, you could've probably be in the middle of your own dadda-didn't-hug-me-enough-growing-up mid-twenty's marriage yourself... if you didn't wear those ironically un-ironic Mickey Mouse sweatshirts all the time and dance like a fat girl at a Discover Zone pizza party. Seriously though, get dressed up sometimes.

Oh and don't freak out and start to get slutty to reassure yourself that you're still sexy. It may seem like a natural step. To get Katie all jealous by sleeping with guys you know she thinks are hot. Then text her the next morning all about your escapades. Well, remember Sarah....

HPV, while it might be the sexy STD, is not so sexy when they are cutting cells out of you to test for cervical cancer. And trust me girl, everyone has it... EVERYONE. And secondly, no matter what Bobby Fliecher told you in 7^th grade, your not very good at sex. At all. Period. So, keep it in your pants. (Well, I guess that doesn't really work for girls. You can't not keep your vagina in your pants. I guess, just make sure your zipper doesn't fall down.)

2. Sleep In/Get Skinny(er)

The only thing worse than missing your weekly Sunday morning brunch at Royal is knowing that Katie is ignoring your text message reminders to spoon till the early afternoon. To only later text you, “Oh shit girl, my phone was in the other room.”

Fuck all that. Sleep till 3pm... by then most of the heavy petting should be over, and you all will still have time to do some shopping together... and as an added benefit, you'll have saved those big brunch calories!

3. The Power of (2nd) Best Friends

Ok, this is where things get a little bitchy-ish... Grab you're number two (aka your second best friend) and head for the the biggest dance night in the city. Katie will probably take the night off, “I'm just tired you guys, sorry. Plus I work real early tomorrow. And I just eat this really weird burrito.”

Whatever, Kat-Lie (you know, not the most clever nickname, but it sure is funny when you and your number two are drunk and hating,) we know your staying in to fuck your new bo, enjoy it.

“Brunch tomorrow?,”

“No thanks, I'm on a new diet.”

So when you and your number two are soaking up all the attention at the Barbary, or Silk, or Making Time (really almost anywhere but Sal's,) dance all up close to a waiting photog. Get a few shoots taken... then...

Take that photo and make it your default*. (I told you it was going to get bitchy-ish.) Katie will of course see it and start to question your loyalty to her. It probably won't make her break up with or hang out less with her boyfriend... If she does, you all probably have more on your plate than your willing to explore. However it will remind her that you are fun as shit, and she likes fun.

*[Sad Future Alert: How annoying is it that you know what “default” means. No need to say MySpace, or photo, or main photo, or the only photo that you don't have a double chin in... Yuck, the future looks about as free spirited and carefree as a 3Am phone call to Hillary Clinton.]

4. Make-Up Sex

OK, realistically this phase of their relationship doesn't last that long. A few months at most. Soon enough Katie will be back at your side weathering the terrible 20's with you.

On a further note, you should probably explore this dependence you have on your friends...

Written by Conrad, Photo Thanks to LD, Janette, Sofi and Sarah B

16 At War

... And The Backlash Against The Misogynistic Main Stream Music Industry Begins... Or Whatever...

Jesus... from fatherless homes, to peer pressure, to the shitty state of the air we breath Karina Pasian's has a lot to say... And we're totally tuned in.

Written by Conrad

Philebutards: Club Trend Spotting

... Because TwoOneFive-utards just isn't as catchy...

(Gay guys this close to their hag = "I've been single since 10th grade... And had this faux hawk since 9th.")

Are Tongues-Out, In?

(Drunk "sexy" licking = People trying to falsely over sexualize their appearance to make up for the fact that they have a hard time looking at themselves sexually...)

Ummmm, still no... Club M/Oing* is gross. And fake club M/Oing* is sad and annoying... Almost as sad and annoying as your best gurlfriend receiving and answering text messages all night when you're just trying to hang out with her. (Seriously girls, put down your technology every once in a while.)

Ok look, we're sorry if your mommies and daddies chose to adopt the Dr. Spock method of parenting. But your acting out really isn't impressing anyone. And besides, you're sending a very clear message to the club world... “No, really... I'm repressed... And sex with me will be awkward.”

*[M/Oing is a commonly used abbreviation for making out. While we generally hate abbreviations, this one is really fun to say. Go ahead, say it out loud...]

That Guy Behind Those Other People

Take it from these guys, it's not always easy being around people who know how to use accessories. That's why they have to work triple as hard to get any attention. Squinting faces, or surprised looks traditionally adorn this breed who have the innate ability to find the one clean space in a photogs frame and stick their heads right in it.

While not in, or out in the conventional sense... (honestly, these people deserve as little attention as they give their own wardrobe.) We do predict the trend to continue. Advice: Crying/sad faces... that'd be fresh.

Arms Up While Dancing: Can It Make A Comeback?

(You know how like, you know there must be people that listen to Howard Stern? Because he's so famous and has been on the radio forever. But like, you can't for the life of you image who... (Three guys on the right...) Right!?!)

Ok, this is a trend we've had our eyes on for months now. With origins set in the 1920's with flapper girls, along through the 60's peace hippies, and more recently seen in the early 90's grunge/rock scene... A century long tradition of raising your arms while dancing looks to make a huge comeback this summer.

But raise aware... Sweat stains and/or fat arms will never be in. Unless your going for the Beth Ditto circa 2006 look.

Freestyle Wins

Avoid Philebutardism by busting your own original moves. Jump... Sit... Stay... to name a few. We suggest the yet untested: Roll-Over... Stop Chewing Your Leash... or Drop It, Drop It NOW.

Last Minute Hot Trend Alert!

(OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!... Can we say how tried we are of girls from West Philly wearing bandannas ALL THE TIME. Girl on the right! It's like they're saying... "I'm girlie enough to want to accessorize, but feminist enough to never wear jewelry.")


So... Low cut top, high waisted pant, gold chain, neck scarf, and medium height best friend not enough to bring attention to your breast?... Try spilling your drink all over them!


That's right... as our clubs and bars begin to swell with the crowds of summer, bumping into people and their beers, thus, spilled drinks, are inevitable. So fuck, we might as well make it a trend. However, spilled drinks on American Apparel hoodies will still be lame as shit. No matter what Philebrity tells you. (You just can't count on the Aging Blog to understand hot new trends.)

Written by Conrad, Photos from Two.One.Five

Hillary Supporters Are Getting Sooo Desperate

... SERIOUSLY! She's had 15 years of the national spotlight. If she hasn't convinced us yet, this sure ain't gonna help...

(6^th and Bainbridge, Bella Vista)

Photo by Conrad